Engagement and getting to know a spouse in Islam

An engagement (khitba) is a promise to marry, not a contract, so the couple remain non-mahram until the nikah. A suitor may look at the woman he proposes to, and getting to know each other has limits: meet with family or a chaperone, avoid seclusion or touching, and ask about the other’s faith and character.

Rules of engagement

Permitted looking: the hadith advises one intending to marry to look at the woman (Tirmidhi, Ahmad).
No seclusion: a man may not be alone with a woman not related to him.
No proposing on top of another’s proposal (Bukhari, Muslim).
Honesty: disclose what matters to the other party.

Quran

وَأَنكِحُواْ ٱلۡأَيَٰمَىٰ مِنكُمۡ وَٱلصَّٰلِحِينَ مِنۡ عِبَادِكُمۡ وَإِمَآئِكُمۡۚ إِن يَكُونُواْ فُقَرَآءَ يُغۡنِهِمُ ٱللَّهُ مِن فَضۡلِهِۦۗ وَٱللَّهُ وَٰسِعٌ عَلِيمٞ

Surah An-Nur 24:32

Questions that help you choose

What is their attitude to prayer, faith and raising children?
Where will we live and how will we treat both families?
What are our finances and how will we share responsibilities?
What are our views on work and study?

This guide is for learning, not a fatwa. Where scholars differ we show the positions of the schools; for your own situation ask a trusted scholar or Islamic centre in your country.

Frequently asked questions

May an engaged couple talk?

Yes as needed, politely and with family’s knowledge, without seclusion or soft flirtation.

Quran text and translations: QuranEnc. Hadith translations: HadeethEnc. Sources are shown on each item. Found a mistake? Tell us.